|
Frequently Asked Questions on mentoringWhy should I use a mentor when I can just talk to a priest or go to Confession? Why should I use a mentor? I can talk to another couple. Mentoring is a wonderful apostolate, but I always thought it was voluntary. We should have mentoring couples in our parishes. Who could benefit from mentoring? We usually just work out problems in our marriage ourselves, so why should we work with a mentor? What exactly is the difference between counseling and mentoring? What topics do you cover? Is there any topic you will not discuss? What exactly do you do during a mentoring session? What if I change my mind? How do I know you won’t tell anyone what we discussed? How do I schedule a mentoring session and how much does it cost?Why should I use a mentor when I can just talk to a priest or go to Confession? You should definitely go to Confession regularly – at least once a month or so for women, and probably two to four times a month for men. But the sacrament of Confession is not the same as mentoring. Confession is a sacrament. It is a means to verbally confess your sins and receive absolution from the Lord through the priest acting in persona Christi. The main focus is sin and contrition. It would be inappropriate, for example, to tell your confessor that you are pondering the differences between homeschooling and a charter school. It would also be inappropriate to bring up in Confession the fact that you and your husband want to start a hobby together, but you aren’t organized enough to find the time. These are not sins – rather, they are areas of married life in which an objective third-party mentor can help you sort it all out and achieve your goals. You can always schedule time to visit a good priest and seek his counsel. That’s a great idea. In doing so, you are soliciting his advice as a minister, outside of the context of sacramental Confession. This means you are relying heavily upon the experience, wisdom, and personality of that individual priest. Most of the time, you’ll get the help you need if you find a good priest. But priests are very busy men. They may be able to schedule one appointment with you, but will they schedule four or six weekly or bi-weekly appointments in a row to help you systematically achieve your marriage and parenting goals? Why should I use a mentor? I can talk to another couple. This also is a great idea! If you’ve found another couple faithful to the teachings of our Holy Mother Church and you trust them, go ahead. In talking with another couple, you may find they literally do not have enough time to talk with you substantially on a regular basis. It may also be difficult for them to remain objective when discussing something you may be struggling with. The husbands may empathize with each other and the wife with the wife, or they both may be unwilling to offer the advice you need because they don’t want to risk losing your friendship. An investment in your marriage by drawing from the time, objectivity, and experience of a mentor will give you the systematic approach you really need to reawaken your marriage and accomplish whatever particular goals you and your spouse have in mind. Mentoring is a wonderful apostolate, but I always thought it was voluntary. We should have mentoring couples in our parishes. I absolutely agree. If more parishes set up a voluntary mentoring apostolate, couples wouldn’t feel so alone when they have struggles. I strongly believe that parish families could also organize a “meal delivery” apostolate for new mothers and others who are recovering at home. There will always be some practical drawbacks to a volunteer mentoring apostolate. The first consideration is how much actual experience the volunteers have with applied psychology and how orthodox they are to the teachings of the Church. Another practical drawback is the actual time the mentoring couple will have to really work with another couple. And of course, the volunteers must remain objective, which may prove to be difficult when they are also close friends with the couples they mentor and they see them every Sunday at Mass. Objectivity is also difficult if a volunteer experienced depravation of something they wanted or experienced a very disappointing life event. This is because he or she may be biased toward “helping” other couples by making sure they experience whatever it is the volunteer wanted to experience. However, the couple seeking the volunteer mentor may not want that experience or it may not be in their best interest. This is a conflict of interest. Who could benefit from mentoring? Any Catholic married couple who has identified a need in some area. Mentoring is not the same as crisis intervention, marriage therapy, or psychoanalysis. Any couple, from the happily married to those struggling to stay together – and every couple in between – could benefit from investing in the services of a mentor. We usually just work out problems in our marriage ourselves, so why should we work with a mentor? If you need to paint the exterior of your house, you could buy all the paint and equipment and spend several weekends sanding, prepping, priming, and struggling through it all yourself. Or you could hire professional painters who have already built up the expertise and have the right equipment to quickly get your house painted well. If your car needs work, you could guess as to the problem, buy the parts, and hope you don’t get too bewildered when you work on it. Or you could call an experienced shop that specializes in your vehicle’s brand, get a diagnosis and have your car running smoothly again. Mentoring is like that. There are times when marriage and family life challenge us because we simply don’t have a lot of experience dealing with those situations. A Catholic marriage and parenting mentor can “coach” you through these situations because he has developed a lot of experience in these areas. The mentor can help you identify and meet your goals much quicker than you are used to, and he or she can put you on the path to a stronger, more spiritual Christ-centered marriage. My mentoring is a surprisingly quick process in which the couple meets a written, measurable goal. It is very results-oriented and moves quickly toward a plan of action to accomplish the goal we have set together. What exactly is the difference between counseling and mentoring? Counseling (and insurance companies who pay for it) requires you to be “sick” to obtain treatment and is a reactive way to approach marriage. Mentoring, on the other hand, is for healthy couples as well as those who may be struggling and is a proactive approach that steers couples in the right direction so they don’t “drift apart” and get into a troubled marriage in the first place. Counseling is also a very slow process. Counseling looks at the psychological motivations for individual behavior and couple interaction. This takes time to fully manifest itself. Counseling is also focused on finding root causes of serious problems, whereas mentoring is a positive approach for generally healthy couples who would like help organizing their life, turbo-charging their marriage, or keeping their kids Catholic, well-adjusted, and civilized. What topics do you cover? The purpose of marriage mentoring is to help a married couple reach a measurable goal, whether it is having the wife stay at home; time management; making children behave in public; finding regular time for each other; anger management when dealing with their kids; struggles with work-life balance; helping their children focus on schoolwork and getting better grades; achieving a stronger spiritual life as a couple; systematic strategies for keeping older teenage children practicing Catholics; communicating about the marriage bed and other aspects of marriage; more effective child discipline; or any other topic applicable to a married couple. Is there any topic you will not discuss? Generally, no. If both you and your spouse have identified an area in which you would like a third party to help, I can help you. There are two areas in which I will refer clients for outside help: one, compelling mental health issues that obstruct healthy change in a marriage; and two, a marriage that is in danger of divorce. I also advise all couples to utilize the sacrament of Confession on a regular basis. What exactly do you do during a mentoring session? 1. First, we look at your particular situation and identify a measurable goal to address it. I will ask a few questions of both husband and wife to get a bigger picture of your needs. 2. Together we will choose a patron saint for your mentoring process. 3. We will then meet regularly, whether in person or over the phone, to discuss the goal and look at the struggles, victories, and milestones along the way. Each session takes about an hour and will be an invigorating, challenging, and motivating way to grow your marriage and achieve your goal. What if I change my mind? This is not a problem at all. In fact, when you use the services of a goal-oriented mentor for a situation in your marriage, you will very quickly find out whether you really wish to achieve that goal or not! Communication is the key. Your goals may change during the sessions; talk with each other, pray about it, and talk with your mentor. How do I know you won’t tell anyone what we discussed? This absolutely will not happen as long as what is revealed is not a felony. When seeking the services of a mentor, the most important consideration is trust. The mentor must be objective, experienced, and you should also feel totally comfortable with him or her. If you feel in any way that you cannot trust the mentor, you should not work with him or her. How do I schedule a mentoring session and how much does it cost? Click here to contact me. I will schedule the free initial consultation with you, during which I determine what your needs are and how we can accomplish them. We will then plan a series of sessions that will work within your schedule. Sessions can be completed over the phone or in person. Together, we will also determine the price of the mentoring process. It will vary depending upon the length of the process. Unlike financial investments or adult-learning classes at a university, mentoring will gain a return on your investment in much more enriching areas, like an increased love and passion for each other, increased peace and love of God, a happier marriage, or better behaved kids. Generally, the price of the mentoring process could be compared with the cost of taking a course at a university. |
|||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||
